|
[25 Mar 2007|12:14pm] |
05.06.06 - 01000001 01100110 01110100 01100101 01110010 00100000 01100001 01110111 01101000 01101001 01101100 01100101 00101100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01100101 01110110 01100101 01101110 00100000 01110010 01100101 01101101 01100101 01101101 01100010 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110011 01110101 01101110 00100000 01100001 01101110 01111001 00100000 01101101 01101111 01110010 01100101 00101110
12.12.06 - 01001001 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01101011 00100000 01001001 00100000 01101101 01101001 01100111 01101000 01110100 00100000 01101110 01100101 01100101 01100100 00100000 01101000 01100101 01101100 01110000 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101001 01101101 01100101 00101110
10.01.07 - 01010111 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101001 01110100 00111111 00100000 01110111 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110100 01110010 01111001 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110100 01100101 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101101 01100101 00111111 00001101 00001010
wait
what?
|
|
|
[15 Jan 2007|09:00am] |
I have a habit of collecting people.
I take in those who need help, those who need someone to guide their path or simply desire comfort. I have since the day I came to Rhy'din. It's the reason I became a whore. There were as many people who wanted to sleep with me as there were who simply needed to talk or be held. I was cheap enough. Sometimes I didn't even bother charging; I gave them what they needed in return for very little besides my own self-satisfaction that I had done something. It was a temporary pack, of sorts.
Once in a great, great while I keep a person I collect. Chaus was one of them. You were another.
I cannot begin tell you how much you've grown before me, brother. You have changed into something great-- not because of any choice you have made, or one you are about to make. It is because you are now able to see. When I met you, that was not something you could do. You could see other people and where they were, where they would go-- but not yourself. You were stuck in your own limbo. I don't think it was me that brought you out of it; I think that was something you did on your own. But I will tell you, brother: it was beautiful to watch.
There are still paths for you to take. Your story is not over, my love; it is just beginning. I may not always walk the paths with you, but I will watch you. We are family. We are pack. We are brothers and lovers and guides. You have my heart, little hunter-- you have my name and my love. This will never change.
I will wait for you. And should winter last eternally, it is with you I remain: waiting with an open hand and heart for the ice to thaw again. Should you ever doubt that, the Door will always be open for you. Should you ever need me, I will be there.
Te amo. Siempre. And I know, Salvador Delahada Azar-Gonzalez. I know, Karma Made Flesh. I always knew you did too. And I loved you for it.
I will always wait for you.
-Tohias, the sinner
|
|
| adiós |
[21 Dec 2006|11:01am] |
|
Mi amor -
I feel the weight of winter approaching. It is heavy in the air. Something stirs and I know not what it is. An end is coming. An end I feel much like the last you saved me from. If these be my last words, I only want you to know -
Te amo. Amé tú siempre. Querré tú siempre.
All you do for me. I understand now. I understand what it means, why you sacrifice so much for me. But I told you. Now it's my turn.
Él que tiene por qué vivir puede llevar con casi cualesquiera cómo. You think I forget things, but I don't. I remember everything. I remember the taste of you, and how you moaned my name. I remember every word you spoke to me. Every word you sent to me - signed in a name you trust to me. A name you will always be to me.
You do not like him, but Havoc told me once -
All we are is our memories. Regardless of what they are. Regardless of how they got there, your memories are what you are. And all you are when you are gone is the memory of others.
Remember me, Tohias. Remember me, Sin. Whatever name you choose - both the same to me. Siempre.
The first snows fall. I may get lost in them, but I will come back to you.
Wait for me.
|
|
| la muerte, una oportunidad |
[13 Dec 2006|02:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
bjork - play dead |
] |
It was Sunday evening, and I was sitting in the back of church listening to the priest give his sermon. All was calm. All was peace. Then - I died.
How do I begin? What words are there to write? Should I write a eulogy for myself?
resto en paz
mío
diciembre décimo
At first, I didn't know how he did it. Mi sombra blanca. White shadow. There is so much to tell and I don't have the words for any of it. I died. Sin brought me back. He took me away and locked me in my own house. And when he came to let me out - I thanked him.
Since then, I hear a whisper louder than I have heard it before. In death I saw myself as I should truly be. Not what I want to be. But what I need to be.
He took my father. Hijo de puta. Padre. Taken by my white shadow. A name he changes as often as he does his body. First Kostya, then Dauphine, then Carter and Vortex. How many in between I do not know. But now he has my father.
Three days. Sin kept me locked in the house for three days, left to my own thoughts and only the company of the monster inside of me. Then he came to let me out. I told him it was my mess to fix. I will fix this. As I fixed Havoc, or what Icarus left of him.
What a mess. What a fucking mess. Padre - lo siento.
|
|
| sombra blanca |
[16 Aug 2006|01:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sore |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
marilyn manson - the speed of pain |
] |
It started with a contract. Do I really need my own money that badly? Fucking christ. This is such a mess. Monday night. I never should have let Dan come with me. He's fine - but I shouldn't have let him come along. Between the two of us he came out of it better off. I told him to run though. If I hadn't told him to run I think he may be dead.
Niklaus Kostya. A name. A face. An aura. All of those things I'll never forget. In the end I looked evil in the eyes - and what I saw there
frightened me
I never should have taken the contract. I knew there was something suspicious about the man who hired me. I didn't care. Idiot that I am. He was just another nameless face I intended on coming back to dispose of. Any link to that society is tainted. My reputation warns these people - but they still make deals with me. They still hire me to kill the people they can't kill on their own. To clear the road for themselves so they can grow in power. Only for me to come back and cut them down. To weed the garden. But this man - I should have been more suspicious. I should have asked more questions. I never should've taken the contract.
It seemed easy. Go in. Kill Kostya. Grab the cases - one with money one with documents. Get out. I figured it was easy enough to let Dan tag along with me. I can't believe I didn't sense it. Didn't smell the foul layers in the air. There was nothing.
Nothing until I saw those eyes -
I saw my nightmares come to life in those eyes. Un sombra blanca. Eyes a void. No light. All the light was swallowed away. Hollow moans of the tortured dead echoed in those eyes. But this man - whatever he is - was not Kymeera. He was not fae. I don't know what he is. All I know is that he's a threat. And in those eyes I saw the end of all things. Not the end as I see in Madre's grove. Something else. Something old. Something -
I've never fought anyone like him. He was dead. Kostya was dead. I cut him in half - twice. But he stood back up. And he did something to me. He tore me apart. I don't know what he did. My blood was everywhere but I couldn't feel it. I couldn't hear it. It did nothing but scream outrage that it could do nothing.
Then there was darkness. He was gone. Then the light came. The light came as Sin before it all went away again. I woke up a day later - bruised and aching. My shoulder hurts like hell. What did he do to me?
|
|
| destino sellado |
[04 Apr 2006|11:49am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 loved |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
shinedown - shed some light |
] |
She is bound to me now. Bound unlike any other. My beautiful, broken girl. Mi amor. Mi vida. Mi corazón. So very true now. She plays Faustian games with shadows in the moonlight. She bound herself to me in hopes to save me. Bound her life to mine. Mara, how could you be such a fool?
She was gone for a week. I came home and wanted only to hide. I wanted the world to go away. I wanted to die. Madre told them where I was. I asked her not to, but she did anyway. Sin found me the day after. He waited. Havoc and Mara did not. I told them very little of what happened. Both of them - Havoc and Mara - vowed to find Kymeera and talk to him. I told them not to. I asked them not to. But there was no stopping either of them. Mara at least had some success. I wish she had never gone at all.
These are her words -
I was worried. Angry. So many things. What do I say to her? How do I tell her that it was a mistake? I love her. I would die for her. Clearly she would die for me - but this? What was she thinking? Was she thinking she needed to prove how much she loved me? Prove that I am the most important person in the world to her? She needs to prove nothing to me. I know she loves me. She is my heart. My life. I can't even imagine a life without her. Now -
Now she truly is my heart. Bound to my heart. If I die, she dies. All for the sake of keeping my uncle from fucking with me? It's too much. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve a love as devoted as hers. Would Sin do the same for me? Would Havoc? Would Dimitri have done the same? Would I do the same for any of them? I would die for them all. I would kill for them all. I -
I don't know.
We made love. We drank tequila and painted the walls with our blood. Now she sleeps. At least here she is safe in her dreams. They cannot reach her here. Here we could die and be at peace. Here -
Ah, Uncle. Have I found a loophole already? You may have influenced Faust, but you are not the devil himself.
Dream sweetly, mi corazón. I'll find a way to fix this. I will fix my beautiful, broken girl. My Mara. My mate. My love. My life. My heart. Mine and no one else's.
|
|
| fantasmas adentro |
[29 Mar 2006|12:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
worried |
] |
Yesterday - I told Sin I'd visit Vadriel yesterday. I didn't. I wasn't planning on skipping school, but I did anyway. By now I think I should give up on it entirely. I can't go to school like this. In and out between ghosts and myself. My blood is making them part of me. As my blood made Madre's essence a part of me. I can feel them fading away and becoming me. There is something I need to do. Venganza de la Sangre. They whisper to me. Something I need to do for them.
I came home Sunday morning from Madrid. Madrid. Why did I go to Madrid? I couldn't resist it. Just like last year. I lost control and found myself in Madrid. I killed so many. I destroyed the graveyard. The old church. The ruins. Now only dust and dirt. Padres Benedicto, Ernesto, y Romiro. They came back with me. And Sister Marta. And Ema. They said she was dead. She wasn't. She is now.
All these lies they created. All these lies that are useless now. I went to fix them. But now everything is broken.
By Thursday I was myself long enough to call home and tell Padre and Dan where I was. Padre was angry. I could hear him. I told Dan to tell some people where I was. Not to come looking for me. I shouldn't have told Sin not to come for me -
This letter was at the house waiting for me. Dan told me it was there Thursday. I only got to it today. With everything that is happening since I've come home, I haven't had the time to get to the house until this morning. And I'm not alone -
Kymeera got to Havoc. He's here. He's a wreck. Padre wasn't very happy with me bringing him here. Not happy with me missing school. But I don't care. School isn't as important as this. Padre went to work. A contract he's been putting off. Jolen is downstairs cleaning as he always does. Dan went for a walk instead of working. Havoc is watching me write.
He said he killed me. I think he stays because he wants to believe he didn't. So much damage. He's a wreck. Mara went to find Kymeera too. "She's going to be a disaster once she gets out of that.." - Sin said. He stayed with me last night. He's probably right. Looking at Havoc now I know he's right. Why must you always be right, Sin?
I should visit Vadriel. I said I would today, but - how can I? How can I leave him like this?
I need to find Mara.
|
|
| sangre, sudor y rasgones |
[26 Feb 2006|05:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
marilyn manson - coma white |
] |
There were church bells in the morning, and there was blood in the afternoon. Why do I bother going anymore? Last week the priest talked to me. I don't know his name. The dream I had - was it even a dream at all? I don't know which of them decided to fuck with me this time if it wasn't. But the priest said I was gone and then there again - last week.
He watched me this morning. He watched me sit in the back. His eyes implored me to join communion with the rest of them. I only sat and listened. I listened to him preach. I listened to the choir sing. I listened to the church bells. All this after I took a walk this morning. All this after I nearly tasted innocent blood.
Irina is a stupid bitch. Her newest toy is a stupid ass - stupider than her I think. I had a little fun with them both this morning. I found them fucking in the bar. She was spread on a table. I pictured her bleeding. All she needed was an apple in her mouth. Hah! I'm such a sick fuck.
So I decided to be an asshole. They didn't even know I was there. I hid their clothes in the kitchen. I don't even know his name - Tom I think. Another weight-lifting dipshit who thinks because he's muscular he can kick anyone's ass. He tried to kick my ass. I could have killed him. I almost did. If Carolyn hadn't wandered by, I probably would have. She always knows how to calm me down. She knows how to still the beast inside of me. Irina sat there like a frightened animal watching a cougar tear into her mate. One more second and I would have made a meal of him. His skin would have looked so pretty on the walls.
I need to stop thinking like that.
Sin would disagree. I let him drink from me today. After I tore Irina apart with words. Stupid bitch. After I called her on the truths she's been hiding. I'm sick of her trying to seduce me. She bats her eyes and flips her hair. She reminds me of those idiot cheerleaders who whisper in the halls about how fucking fine I am, and then skitter off like a herd of panicked does whenever I wander by. They're all afraid of me, but I know they wonder. They all dream and fantasize. I'd kill them all. Mara's the only one who can handle me, and they're jealous of her. I hear them whisper about her too. I hear the boys whisper about her as the girls whisper about me - and some boys. Unattainable - that's the word. They don't have what it takes to survive either of us, and that turns them on. Idiots.
But Irina. Ah Irina. Still a stupid little school girl throwing fits and temper tantrums when things don't go her way. She shits her pants and cowers in the corner of bathrooms. She rants and screams and waits for people to tell her what to do. Carolyn and Sin had to tell her to let it out. We all had to tell her to let it out. She threw a chair through the window. She threw a chair at Sin and Carolyn. She shrieked about nothing and I think she wanted to cry. Stupid little slut. When will she learn to let it out and not hold back? When will she learn to act on her own without someone telling her it's okay to unleash the anger that builds up inside of her? She could never handle me.
To think - she said I have more control than her. She has no idea.
I can still taste him on my lips. I can still hear him. I can still feel myself swimming through him. The blood he took betrays me as it always does. You hear me now - you feel me now - don't you mi amor?
|
|
|
[20 Feb 2006|07:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 dirty |
] |
I had the strangest fucking dream last night. I guess that's what I get for falling asleep somewhere other than the house. Church isn't even safe anymore. What the fuck was it all about anyway?
Shit. I should get my ass home and get ready for school. I hope Mara didn't wake up wondering where I was. Christ. What a nightmare.
|
|
| letra de Irlanda |
[17 Feb 2006|05:47am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
melancholy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
flaw - wait for me |
] |
Something is wrong. I put this book in the closet, but I didn't find it the way I left it. It feels different somehow. There's a touch of memory on it. Not much - but -
I think the boy tried reading it. I put it behind a box - I'm sure of it. When I came upstairs to put this letter here, I found it on the shelf, but not behind the box. This memory bleeds with frustration. I wonder if he can even read. Maybe I should start writing en español again.
He's sleeping now. Perhaps I'll make a game of this. I might even leave my book in the closet again when I'm done. I have nothing to hide. Even if he can read, I don't think there's anything here - on these pages - that should not be read. There's no harm in it, is there? Secrets I was asked to keep are being kept. I have not written of them here.
Sí. Hagamos un juego de él.
I found this letter downstairs when I came home tonight. I also found this flower -
In the letter. It smells of him. They both do. I can only barely touch the memories on them. I wish there were more. Maybe I should write to him. But where would I send it? The envelope only says East Ireland on it. I don't even know what I'd write. Niño estúpido.
Espero que tú estás bien, mi amor.
|
|
| Jolen |
[15 Feb 2006|03:30am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
I found a boy. Dan calls him another of my strays. I suppose that's true. Shadi and Mara were strays once. But I didn't leave Mara here. Here. I'm at my father's house right now, talking to the boy. His name is Jolen. He reminds me of Dimitri. When I told him that, he asked me what happened. Silly boy thinks I killed him. Well, who wouldn't? I did tell him I kill people.
He's been here for a few days. Dan is letting him stay in my room. I told him he could stay in my room. It's not like I use it anymore. I just asked him how he likes my bed. He blushed. I think he's afraid of me. I told him, " I'm not going to bite you, you know. Not unless you want me to." He stuttered, just like Dimitri used to do - "No. I don't think so," he said. That made me laugh.
Last night there was a dance at the school. Valentine's Day dance. I remember Padre Ernesto teaching me about Valentine's day. Well - not me exactly. Juan. But I still remember it. That page disappeared from my book. The front pages are still blank. I remember writing in them, but now there's nothing there.
Mara wanted me to go. I never would have thought of it had she not asked me. Dances aren't my thing. I didn't even go to last year's prom with Dimitri. Carolyn went. She was there last night too. Her and Aya. I didn't see much of them though. We went. We spent most of our time in the boiler room. Then we came home - not padre's house - and finished off the night with a second round. She's sleeping now. At least - she was sleeping when I left her. I think I wear her out some times.
I came home to shower and change clothes. When I was getting dressed, Jolen came home. I talked with him some. He reminds me so much of Dimitri - but there are differences. I should stay away from him. Too tempting.
|
|
| el dumbass más grande en el mundo |
[08 Feb 2006|04:20am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
flaw - all the worst |
] |
And then Seamus defends him? What the fuck?
It was weird, he says. ¡He doesn't even know what Faladar could have done to her! It wasn't weird. It was a fucking heartless thing to do for some asshole who claims to know so much about moriaki. ¡I'm going to kill him! ¡I swear to God!
"He's mad, Sal. I'd think you'd have some sympathy for that." ¡Like hell I do! ¡That's why she locked me up. I was locked up because I was mad! ¡If I hadn't been locked up, I would've fucking killed everybody! If Faladar's mad, he should be locked up - not roaming the streets playing out his sick fucking curiosidades on whomever the fuck he wants.
The only reason I haven't killed him yet is because Mara asked me not to. I don't know why the hell she wants him to live - especially after what he did to her. So what if he knows about the moriaki? He's not the only one. Madre knows. We can find out from her. That fucking cuntbag should be put down. He's fucking dangerous. Am I the only one who sees that? Fuck -
How the fuck can Seamus defend him?
Follando idiota.
|
|
|
[03 Feb 2006|03:45am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
korn - break some off |
] |
¡I'm going to fucking kill him! ¡Hijo de la gran puta! ¡Hijo de mil putas! ¡Estoy el ir a follando matanza él! Muertos muertos muertos muertos muertos. As soon as I get my hands on him, I'm going to fucking kill him. He's not even worth saving for Madre when she wakes up in the spring. Fucking asshole would give her indigestion. Fuck that. I'm going to tear him apart. I'm going to rip his flesh from his bones. I'm going to take each organ out piece by fucking piece, toss it all in a tub, and bleed myself dry over the entire fucking mess of him. Fuck -
|
|
| what the hell am i doing here? |
[01 Feb 2006|05:16am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pensive |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
radiohead - creep |
] |
"You didn't get the letter," he said. I have it now. What do I make of this?
How can I not forgive him? Yo amo el pendeja estúpido.
|
|
| puntas loca |
[28 Jan 2006|10:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 predatory |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
creed - to whom it may concern |
] |
"Dean of Northedge - Child Molestor" That's basically what all the headlines said this past week. It started a week ago. Last Saturday. Some stupid bitch decided the only way she was going to get attention was to cry wolf. Elizabeth Carrolton. I've been going to school all week, and I don't know if I want to laugh in her face or bloody her face up. Maybe both.
Carolyn has made badges. I've been wearing one. She's also scheduled protests and walk-outs. She's a lot more active than I am. I wonder if I shouldn't be more active about it. Profesor Harada is innocent. I know this. The first day this week I looked at Elizabeth and saw her colors. She's a good liar, but not good enough. Not when I can see it in her aura. I think everyone will see her lies soon enough. But that doesn't mean I have to like listening to them.
People are such idiots. I can't believe that they can believe what this desperate little bitch is saying. Profesor Harada is not the kind of man who would do that. Ah - but the people who also run the school do not like what is different. Most of the students do not like what is different. I hear them talking. I see their fear. They don't know what a monster truly looks like. I could show them -
Wouldn't that be fun?
No. The truth will show soon. I know it will. Her lies will be seen as they are. I have faith in that much. This too shall pass. Yes, Madre?
Sí. And if it does not? Then Elizabeth Carrolton will be the first to see what karma can do.
|
|
| ningún límite a la locura |
[08 Jan 2006|10:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
blink 182 - reckless abandon |
] |
He wears a ring on his finger. He gave me a ring too, but the meaning is not the same. The ring he gave me hums with energy. I feel it trying to speak. Griffinstone, he called it. A ring with power that hums from it. I do not think I like it. I do not think I'll wear it. No. I know I won't ever wear it. Not now that I've seen what it did to him - the stone. So much power it could consume me - like it consumed him.
I tore the stone out of his chest. I smashed the Tears he earned from my mother to spare him the pain of fire. They were a gift, and it was time he use them. But he couldn't use them, so I had to use them for him. Madness. Everywhere I go there's madness. I can't risk it again. I can't allow myself to welcome it as I did before. I know what I would do if the madness took me. And if I was ever free of it again? Afterward? I would hate myself.
"I fear nothing," I told Ambrose. I hate him. And I lied to him. I only fear one thing. I only fear becoming what I am - truly and fully. It's too much to risk.
I left him sleeping on the beach. I threw the stone into the sea. If all is true as I know it should be, the salt of the sea will clense the stone. I pray it is never found. I should have thrown my own ring in as well. I should bury it - be rid of it. But it was a gift, and like the fool I am I intend on keeping it. Not on me. No. I'll never wear it. It's too much to risk. But I will keep it, as I keep every gift I have ever been given.
I hate water. Especially cold water. I hate the winter most of all. Winter brings cold water and snow. I hate it all. I hate mostly the silence that comes with winter. Everything is too quiet, too damn quiet. But I let the sea wash me as well. I let the salt burn my wounds. I let my blood mix with ocean water. When it was all done - when I felt clean - I took him somewhere to rest. I took him somewhere to sleep off his pain - pain he brought on himself.
Fucking idiot.
|
|
| has no one told you she's not breathing |
[21 Dec 2005|05:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
evanescence - hello |
] |
And now she sleeps.
Last winter I knew nothing of her, but I knew the silence. I remember the spring - coming to Rhy'din with my father and Dan. That was nearly two years ago. I remember knowing no English - taking private lessons with Profesor Harada. I remember going to school for the first time. I was a boy then.
A year passed and I became a man. Did I? Physically, I became a man. At times I still feel like the boy I was. The whispers are still the same. The winter is as silent as it was the first time. There are no whispers now. Not the same ones. Those susurros are all silent. Is it a vow they take during the winter? Do they honor her somehow when she sleeps by staying silent? I don't know. I don't think she knows either. I don't think she even cares. But I - I am curious. I wonder why.
This year I can feel it more strongly. The silence in the air. The quiet of the susurros. Even my blood is quiet. So quiet.
I put her to rest. Strange to think of it that way. The son putting the mother to bed. I sat with her until the susurros said that it was time. I sat on her nest of blood and bones, and mostly we were silent together.
"And now it is time," she said. "Now for the passing of three moons you will know a time of peace."
I hope she's right. I don't think she's wrong. I can feel it in the air. I feel it in my lungs when I breathe the air. I can see it, smell it, taste it, feel it, and hear it. Everywhere. Everything is so calm and quiet. Strange. I don't think I like it. It's not what I'm used to. In its own way, this peace is unsettling.
The world moves slowly. The first thing I noticed is how everything moves so slowly. Or maybe it is only me who is moving slowly, and the rest of the world is moving so fast. I feel so cold and so empty without her. Now that I know her, I feel lost without her. I wonder if I would feel the same if I had never met her, but I know that answer.
I felt it then as I felt it now. When I was a boy who thought he was 13, I felt the same. But now -
Now it is more than it was.
|
|
| love and hate, get it wrong |
[19 Dec 2005|11:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
mellow |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
bush - come down |
] |
"Dimitri's death did not end at my hands," she said.
I went to see my mother yesterday morning. I've been putting it off for so long. I didn't want to see her. There was so much to talk about. That's the first thing I remember. Dimitri's death did not end at her hands. That means so much. More than I think anyone else really understands. He's dead, but he's not dead.
Not that it matters. Not now. If he comes back, he won't come back to me. He shouldn't come back to me. If he even comes back at all. It was fun while it lasted, amante, but you aren't mine anymore.
"You must let him go," she said.
It's not that easy, Madre. I've tried and tried. He won't be what I want him to be. She's right about that. She's always right. It isn't what I want it to be. It never was. It never will be. His love belongs to another, and it should stay that way. Pendeja. I think I only want to beat the shit out of him now. Punch him. Something. Eh. He's not worth it.
"You will learn of the Moriaki another time, Salvador."
She was right about that too. I wonder if she had it planned. Last night was -
Chupe leche del pene. So many things I could write, but I can't. Promises made. Secrets to keep. You are the Secret Keeper, gilipollas. The most I can say is that it was interesting. All of it.
After I met with my mother - we watched the sunset - I went to the Rose. I could feel it in the air. Changes. Disturbances. Something was happening. Then I smelled her. Oh her scent. My beautiful, broken girl. Stronger than ever. We fought. We fucked. It was fabulous. She is -
Perfect. Mostly. She is still broken, but not so much now. She is growing into what she is. Moriaki. And that's all I can say. Except that -
Ella amo.
|
|
| Un Secreto Libre |
[15 Dec 2005|04:12am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
Moriaki.
What does it mean? Faladar - God. I could fucking kill that worthless piece of shit. He's hardly innocent. He's tainted and well deserving of death. My blood screams for the release of karma whenever he's around. I wanted to kill him tonight. Last night. Whatever it is. Time still has no meaning. It was so recent. Only a few hours ago.
I went to the Rose last night. I'm always going out. Always moving. Winter is so close and I'm so restless. Anyway - I was there.
Angelin is getting married to Dakota. I think that's his name. What's this damn invitation say?
Steven Douglas Dakota. Angelin Krysta Rouge Vivalis. Hn. I didn't know her full name. Anyway -
Angelin invited me to her wedding. I'm not sure I'll be going. It isn't really my thing. Hell - I don't even go to the school games. I have more reason to go to them than I do a wedding. Even if Angelin's a nice girl. Marriage. Pah -
So Steven was there last night - at the Rose. He was drinking. I told him I could drink more than what Topher mentioned. I don't even remember what all he said Dakota had drank before, but I knew I could. Cat lined up 19 shots for Dakota and 19 shots for me. Crown Royal I think. Not as good as tequila, but it doesn't matter. Dakota got drunk. I didn't. I never get drunk. My blood kills alcohol too fast for me to get drunk.
It was fun either way. I'm such an ass.
Mara came in wearing her cheerleading uniform. Have I mentioned how hot she looks wearing that damn thing? I think she wears it on purpose - just to turn me on. God I love her.
Everything was fine until Faladar came in. I fucking hate that crazy ass elf. He should die. I want to kill him. Everything would have stayed fine if he would have left Mara the fuck alone. He just had to talk to her. He had to say she had a sweet scent. I know her scent. It's my scent. She's mine. I warned him to back off, to shut the hell up. He was making Mara upset. He said a word -
Moriaki.
He said that's what she is. I didn't hear much of it. I only saw blood. I only wanted to kill the fucking bastard for making Mara upset. But she begged me not to. She asked me to find out what he said. I think - only her. Only Mara can calm me down enough not to kill stupid fuckers like Faladar when the urge rises. For her - for Mara - I told him to say it again.
Moriaki.
She asked me if I think what he says is true. I told her the mad do not lie. The mad cannot lie. That's what I should have told her. I couldn't lie when I was mad. But I guess I should have looked at his aura. I didn't want to look at him, even to make sure. I only wanted to kill the asshole.
She wants to know if it is true. If what Faladar said of her was true. Is she Moriaki? Is that what my beautiful, broken girl is?
Madre - I should ask her. Tomorrow maybe. Not now. Now my Mara needs me. Now I watch her sleep.
What do you dream of, mi corazón?
|
|
| Soy quizá bueno para algunas cosas. |
[12 Dec 2005|09:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
p.o.d. - sleeping awake |
] |
Last night I had a dream. I'm surprised I even slept after everything that happened yesterday, but I did. I dreamed of fire. Not of blood. For once I didn't dream of blood. But it wasn't a good dream anyway.
I dreamed of my brother. His house was burning and he was inside. I thought I had hoped that I would stop having dreams like this. I was hoping there would be no more dreams like this after I awoke from madness. But everything is clearer now. My dreams make more sense. The things I see are more clear. I thought this morning that the dream didn't mean anything. I thought my uncle was only fucking with me again. So I went to school.
There were rumors that Chris kissed Ivy today. I was having trouble concentrating. I don't go to morning assembly anyway. It's a waste of time. I don't really care what they say in morning assembly. If it's important Carolyn will tell me.
Oh yes. Carolyn is safe. She's well now. She was sick last month herself. When we came back from Florida, she was sick too. I saw her last week - I think. I don't remember when. Time has no meaning anymore. Times doesn't make sense. All I know is that Carolyn is well, she is safe. Vida es bueno.
Except for Sin. I need to give him his box back. Whatever is inside of it. I should give it back to him. I need to give him this memory too. What I took from his car after it burned.
Fire - everything has to do with fire. That's not right. I don't know why. Fire isn't right. Fire shouldn't be important. But it is important. To everything that's going on. For some reason it's important, and it shouldn't be. There's something else. Fire is only -
una ilusión. False. Fake. The fire is fake. A lie. There's something else.
But it wasn't a lie. Mesteno's house burned down. He was buried under it all. Lost. Stuck in the basement. No. The - what does he call it? The morgue. Yes. Gracias, Madre.
Cass and I found him. We dug him out with the help of another. Vinny, my sister said. We would have been digging longer if he hadn't helped. Five meters down. Twenty feet. Idiot went in to save his animals and got himself stuck. We dug him out. I fixed his arm. I shouldn't have done that. I should have let Cass do it. But I did.
I feel so tired. Using my energy, doing what I can do, makes me so tired. Maybe it's winter. Maybe I'm tired because she's getting tired. Or maybe I'm tired from the madness. Maybe I'm not strong enough yet. I wish I could sleep through winter as she does. But then I wouldn't want to wake up.
I need a damn vacation.
But not yet. Now that I've had a shower, I'm going out.
It was good to see my brother and sister again. Well - I saw Mesteno yesterday. But Cass - I haven't seen her in a while. It was good to see her again.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|